Abandoned?

As I write this right now, one of my dear friends lies in a hospital bed. Last week she went in to see her doctor to have a sonogram to check on the health of her baby. There was no heartbeat. She is eight months pregnant.

Pause for a moment to let those last two sentences really sink in. I don't have to go into any more detail for you to feel the full weight of the pain and grief that go with those nine words. Terri and I grieve with her and her husband as they deliver a baby today that they cannot know this side of heaven. We grieve with them not only because we love them, but because we personally know their sorrow. On Christmas day of 2003 we had the first of two miscarriages.

This event in our lives opened up one of the darkest and most difficult struggles that I have had to face as I wrestled with this question: why did God let this happen to us? I ran all the explanations through my mind over and over, and nothing fit. There were those well meaning few who told us it happened so that God could use our story to help others, to which I thought, why not just stop it from happening to all of us in the first place? There were those who said there must have been something wrong with the pregnancy, to which I thought, why not just heal our child instead of letting her die? There were those who said that someday we would be able to look back and understand why it happened, to which I say very honestly...I still don't understand. I don't understand why we went through the pain of two miscarriages, and I don't think I ever will. But to get hung up on understanding why we go through difficult times would be to miss the point.

My God, my God, why have you abandoned me? Why are you so far away when I groan for help? Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer. Every night you hear my voice, but I find no relief.

Psalm 22:1-2

This is the anguish of David poured out into words on a page. This is the sum of his pain and doubt boiled down into a brutally honest outburst to God. It is interesting how blunt this is. I have been begging you for help and you have been ignoring me. I know you can hear me but you choose not to come to my aid! The lesson of this passage is that when it comes to suffering, God does not expect us to censor our feelings with him. He does not require that we be politely resolved to devastating circumstances. God wants our honesty because he wants to share our pain. He wants to carry our burdens. The Holy Spirit's very nature is to comfort us when we are hurting. Does this help explain why we are walking through a valley? No, but it reveals something equally valuable to us. It reveals God's character.

Why is it so important that we understand God's character? The truth is that there are things that will happen in life that we may never understand. Our ability to fully understand the ways of life and the universe is like an ant's ability to understand particle physics. God's ways are so much higher than ours that we can never fully comprehend them. Complete understanding will always elude us. That is why it is imperative that we know God. When we know God's character, we can trust him to take care of us in every circumstance.

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them...And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:28, 38-39

Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.
Deuteronomy 31:8

When you know that nothing in this universe could ever separate you from God's love, even though you may hurt, you can trust that love. When you know that God works everything out for the good of those who love him, even though you may never understand the purpose behind your suffering, you can trust his intentions. When you know that he will never abandon you, you can hurl all the fire of your anger and pain up to the heavens and know that God is big enough to take it and still carry the weight of all your sorrow and doubt. You can know that no matter how far away he may feel, he is right there with you because he promised never to abandon you. The doubt we feel when we are going through unbearable suffering will never change who he is. And who he is is a God who loves you more than anything in the universe.

As we prayed for our friends, memories of our loss came bubbling to the surface, and I can honestly say it doesn't hurt any less now than it did on Christmas day seven years ago. But God has drawn us so much closer to him that, even though the hurt is still there, I know his love is there even more. Just like his love is there for our friends who are suffering through the unimaginable right now.